File 0002.3: It’s been five years

It’s been five years since my dad passed away. Normally I don’t talk about it too much. This might come as a surprise to you but I’m a bit of an introvert and I don’t like to share deep feelings with lots of people. Hell, even with my loved ones I often feel like I don’t want to burden them with what’s going on in my head…but that’s a different problem I need to work on 

But I digress… 

It’s been five years and I was starkly reminded of that a couple of weeks ago during rehearsals of the play I’m in in April. I was wearing my black suit jacket and while I was checking the pockets I found the printed-out speech that I gave at the funeral. For a moment that took me back to that day and the weeks before that day. 

I was immediately editing the speech in my head. Things I should have said, things I wish I would have thought of. It’s useless thinking of course…I doubt anybody even remembers the speech, much less the specifics of that day. Not because they don’t care but because life happens and that is what you focus on. 

I sometimes just wish I could share with my dad things I know he would be proud of or like. So many things happened since this day 5 years ago and he doesn’t get to experience any of it. I got a promotion (twice!). I bought a house, I got married, I got a kid (most of these things I did not do alone of course but that’s beside the point). I feel sad that I do not get to share that with him anymore.  

It sounds a bit egotistical if I sum it up like this but I know he would have wanted to be part of that too. If anything I know he would have been proud and I know he would have loved it to be a grandfather.  

Also, my daughter will never have granddads, luckily she still has two grandmothers, aunts and uncles, and even great-aunts and a great-grandmother. 

It’s been five years and while I don’t experience the loss and sadness every day some days it comes back as if it was five years ago. I imagine it as a box, moving inside a bigger box and on one side of the bigger box there is a button. As soon as that button is hit you experience pain/sadness. Over the years the inner box has gotten smaller but it’s still moving around, the chances of it hitting the button are small but the chance is still there and the pain/sadness has not lessened.

They say time heals all wounds, I’m not sure if that is true, I’m guessing you just learn better how to deal with it. You will just imagine how it would have been if he was there for those moments you value and maybe that will suffice to make you smile.

It’s been five years